


the years i'd wait for you

by chariiots



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Battle of the Bands, Childhood Friends, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 14:48:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17102603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chariiots/pseuds/chariiots
Summary: Summer break in two months means three things for Jihoon.One, the end of their university years is creeping up on them.Two, their last performance is in exactly five weeks. 35 days.Three, he still doesn’t know what to do about Soonyoung. They’re graduating soon, and yet, he still doesn’t know if he’ll do anything about his feelings. Or rather, he doesn’t know what to do about them.[battle of the bands au]





	the years i'd wait for you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [naegajams (Orangeiskindamyjam)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orangeiskindamyjam/gifts).



Summer break in two months means three things for Jihoon.

One, the end of their university years is creeping up on them, and they’re all varying degrees of ready for it. At least he and Wonwoo have already submitted job applications, but it seems like Soonyoung and Junhui just won’t stop sitting on their asses all day and fucking around. There’s no reason to be concerned, though. They’ll figure it out somehow. They always do.

Two, their last performance is in exactly five weeks. 35 days. Of course, they’ll have to keep their title of champion of the Battle of the Bands, and of course, that’s stressful. It’s not the same when this is their (hopefully) last year, when so much is at stakes for their exams that they can’t exactly afford to not study. Yet, Jihoon’s sure that they’ll figure that out too.

Three, he still doesn’t know what to do about Soonyoung. They’re graduating soon, and yet, he still doesn’t know if he’ll do anything about his feelings. Or rather, he doesn’t know what to do about them. The uncertainty boiling inside of him is bound to spill over at some point in time, but if Jihoon can put a lid on this pot and pray for the best, he damn well will. After all, actively choosing to not do anything is still doing something, right?

* * *

The breeze outside is cold on his skin, and Jihoon wraps his scarf around his neck as he steps out of the convenience store. It smells like Junhui’s aftershave, but at this point in time, he’s not really sure whose clothes are whose, only that bright yellow is definitely not his color.

He almost doesn’t want to walk back, gripping tightly onto the plastic bag as he slides the door shut. Going back to his dorm means having to help Wonwoo wrangle them into studying, and he really can’t afford wasting more time than necessary. Yet, for whatever ungodly reason, Jihoon just can’t bring himself to break the ritual. It’s been five years of meeting up once a week to study, with them constantly shifting the day and time around to accommodate their ever-changing schedule.

The months change. Habits don’t.

His screen lights up with a text, and Jihoon genuinely considers completely switching it off before one of them tries to call him.

kwon gold star:   
reach in 5 or get locked out

Jihoon stops in his tracks for a second before scoffing. In hindsight, he should have expected this to happen. If he didn’t leave his keys lying on his desk, Junhui wouldn’t have swiped it, and he wouldn’t have to deal with this right now. And now, here they are, the two of them are just abusing the fact that Jihoon wouldn’t murder Soonyoung if he was the one to text.

lee jihoon:   
You can’t lock me out of my room. I literally have a key to it.

kwon gold star:   
check pocket  
bring snaccs or else

lee jihoon:  
Give me ten minutes. I’m still at the faculty building.

kwon gold star:  
i’m waiting!! ☆ v ☆

It’s almost impossible to tear his eyes off his phone after that text, with how he’s wishing so fervently that Soonyoung says something else. Since when did Soonyoung start texting so cutely? No, when did he start becoming such a mess when it came to Soonyoung?

Perhaps he shouldn’t have checked his phone at all. Wonwoo wouldn’t let them lock him out anyway.

* * *

Childhood friends feels like it’s too light of a term to describe Jihoon and Soonyoung’s friendship, considering that Soonyoung technically knew Jihoon since they were in the womb. That is, if you’d count their baby years, when they were just crying machines that only had two fears - loud noises and falling.

Now, as adults, the world is a lot more complex than just baby toys and waddling across the floor and staring at the TV intently as the Pororo theme song blasts. It’s the manifestation of so many fears - of rejection, of loss, of failure, of mountain-high expectations. Being adults is scary, Soonyoung thinks, since everything is overcomplicated by our dumb human brains, but Jihoon makes it look easy.

Growing up with Jihoon was like having an anchor by his side, keeping him grounded, stopping him from flying too far away - if not for his insistence on Soonyoung studying harder, or him always trying to anchor him when he gets too worked up, he doesn’t know where he’d be. It’s not like Jihoon doesn’t have his own shortcomings, but that’s what Soonyoung’s there for. To push him, to drive him to greater heights and convince him to snatch all the opportunities he wants, because he knows Jihoon is someone who can shoot for the sky and end up in the stars.

Perhaps, this respect for Jihoon is what makes him want to work harder too. It’s dumb, he knows. After twenty-one years of knowing each other, he knows Jihoon’s not going to leave him behind or run away anymore, but it doesn’t make him any less scared of it happening. Perhaps, he’s just afraid of falling behind, of being left behind, of not being good enough to match up to Jihoon. It’s fine, though. Deep down, he always knows that Jihoon’s never going anywhere, and that’s enough for now. He’ll take things one step at a time.

* * *

Strangely enough, Jihoon’s so used to Soonyoung showing up after his business lecture that not seeing him is starting to stress him out. Standing alone outside the lecture theater makes him feel so acutely aware of his loneliness, watching people streaming out, their silhouettes shrinking as they walk away. Yet, he’s here, waiting for Soonyoung to show up. The problem is, he’s rarely late, and there’s no text with any sort of explanation, and the frustration and concern inside of him is about to bubble over. Maybe if he just waited a little longer, Soonyoung would show up - right?

Tradition is tradition, and they both know it. Things mean too much to both of them to really want to let go of anything. Or maybe it means too much to just him, and Soonyoung’s just playing along, but that doesn’t change the fact that he rarely misses their lunch together.

If there’s one thing that this proves, it’s that Lee Jihoon hates nothing more than change, fears change like nothing else, fears the way that it creeps up and ensnares you in tendrils of hesitation as waves of mixed emotions come crashing down. Change always boils down to the same thing over and over again - are you willing to let go of what was in the past? Short answer, no. Long answer, he wishes he could, but the fear of what’s unfamiliar, the fear of failure, they chain him and hold him back. The comfort zone is a cage, and Jihoon is nothing but trapped.

Jihoon would like to think that he’s still happy. He’s quite sure that he’s happy with how things are now.

Soonyoung shows up to interrupt his thoughts, just like old times, clutching onto a cup of coffee tightly as he jogs over. “I didn’t mean to be late, I swear! I lost my bus pass in the dorm and spent ages looking for it, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Now that you’re here.

He grins excitedly at Jihoon as he takes his hand, rattling on about a new place that he wants to bring him for lunch. Granted, Jihoon wants to shake his hand off but he can’t bring himself too, mind too busy screaming about how much they look like a couple. Acting on his feelings means a change in their dynamic, and what if he gets rejected? What if they break up?

Perhaps it’s just better that they stay friends.

With how fondly Soonyoung is grinning at him, maybe they could fool strangers into thinking they’re a couple, but the thought hurts him too much to entertain.

He still wouldn’t fool himself.

* * *

Soonyoung would like to think that his gay epiphany was in his sophomore year in college, watching Jihoon practice drumming while trying to rush his assignment.

In that moment where he looks up, wanting to ask Jihoon a question, it finally strikes him. He looks so, so fucking handsome when drumming, and his arms look kind of hot in that tank top, and Soonyoung is oddly tempted to go over and kiss him senseless.

It’s not like he never noticed that Jihoon was a stunner, hell, he’s been admiring how Jihoon looks since high school started, but bros can appreciate and hype up how each other looks, right? A bro can admire and adore their bro’s drive passion for their interests, the way that he lives like he has a purpose and knows what he wants.

A bro definitely wouldn’t want to kiss his bro, though, and Soonyoung very much wants to make out with Jihoon, and show him off to the world, shout it from the rooftops that they’re boyfriends and very in love. That’s not exactly a very bro-ish thing to do, is it?

There has to be a line, really, between things friends do and things one-sided–crushers do with their crush. Soonyoung just doesn’t know where to draw it, doesn’t know how to stop himself from getting hurt by Jihoon’s oblivion, doesn’t want to stop trying to delude himself into thinking that he has a chance. That doesn’t mean he can’t get tired of everything, of how he keeps trying but he still never feels important. He’ll never be Jihoon’s priority, and he knows it to an extent.

He doesn’t even want to be in a passionate romance, he just wants his efforts to be appreciated, a simple thank you for trying, thank you for making me feel appreciated. Feeling unwanted is something no one wants, but Jihoon makes him feel like he’s just wasting his time, like he’s a spare piece of a puzzle that shouldn’t even exist in Jihoon’s life.

Maybe, he’s just tired of doing things that have no return, asking Jihoon out for dinner but getting rejected because he needs to work, getting blown off for project meetings and studio sessions, for “just another hour to perfect this”. Maybe they’ve been around each other for too long, but Soonyoung’s tired of being taken for granted, because it’s not like he’d do half of any of this if it wasn’t just for Jihoon, always for him.

Maybe, he stops trying.

* * *

The dorms feel different lately, but Jihoon’s not very sure why. It’s the same four walls that he’s been sharing with Junhui for the past year, the same peeling white paint, the same scratched desks.

Maybe it’s the fact that Soonyoung hasn’t been coming over as often as usual, making everything feel so much quieter. A little bit lonelier, if he was to be honest. Maybe it’s the tension in the room brewing over as Junhui and Wonwoo stare at him from the other side of the room, and everyone’s silent because none of them wants to start the conversation, one that has been shot down multiple times by Jihoon over the week before they finally managed to corner him.

“So… I think we needed to talk to you about how tense band practice is becoming,” Wonwoo says, “and we’re quite sure it’s because something is wrong between you and Soonyoung.”

To be fair, Jihoon’s completely self aware. It’s getting weird because of him and his avoidance of Soonyoung, but what can he do? He’s getting more and more desperate to try and hide his crush, but it’s just worsening. The temptation of doing something - anything - is getting worse, but he’s too scared of rejection. He’s scared of ruining the band and all their hard work just because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants, of losing Soonyoung as a best friend.

Really, he genuinely thought that if he tried to distance himself more without breaking their routines, his feelings would fade. He could have sworn that his crush was just a proximity thing, but now his heart just aches with fondness and desperation every single time he rejects Soonyoung. And, now that Soonyoung isn’t even asking him at all, it’s… Terrifying. Jihoon’s terrified of what the hell is happening between them, and he doesn’t know how to approach it at all.

“I like Soonyoung,” is all he really musters instead of spilling his heart out.

Junhui gets it immediately, staring at him incredulously. “You’re acting like a kid. I’m guessing you don’t double text either? Wait four hours to reply to not seem desperate?”

“That’s not the point!”

“It is, if you haven’t noticed. You’re being selfish. You’re not considering how Soonyoung feels-”

“What the fuck do you know!” Jihoon shouts, cutting him off. “You’re not the one who was best friends with him for over twenty years, you weren’t there for him when he got his heart broken time and time again, what gives you the right to think you know anything about us?”

Wonwoo huffs, laughing dryly. “I’m his roommate, and I know that he feels like he did something to offend you for you to start ignoring him, and that if you don’t start trying to fix your relationship with him, it’s not going to last.”

“It’s not like it’s my fault that I don’t know how to fix things-”

“Then try, goddamn it!” Junhui slams his hand against the table in frustration, blood rushing to his cheeks as his anger gets the best of him. “You’re always doing this, you’re always pushing responsibility away from yourself when it comes to relationships. If you don’t want to keep your friendship, fine by me, whatever, but don’t endanger the band. Don’t take away something that matters to all of us just because you can’t handle your own feelings.”

Junhui storms out of the dorm, with Wonwoo following behind him. “All you need to do is make an effort to make Soonyoung happy, is it that hard?”

Wonwoo’s words leave an echo in the room as it fills with stagnant silence. All boiling pots boil over, and Jihoon’s not surprised that this happened. Just… disappointed in himself.

* * *

Band practice is nothing but unsolved tension that could probably only be cut by a chainsaw, and everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. Soonyoung’s forgetting his lyrics, Wonwoo somehow managed to snap a guitar string since the stress of finals ended up in him forgetting to change it, Jun’s somehow falling asleep standing up and Jihoon showed up an hour late.

This is their last performance, and the boys repeat it like a mantra by now, like a prayer for a good performance softly leaving their lips. It’s not just the fact that they have to maintain the title of champion of the Battle for their third and last year, but rather that they’ll likely never play like that again. They’ll be going on their separate paths, too busy for each other, and they all know it deep down in their hearts. This show has to be a good memory that follows them forever.

At this rate, it won’t be.

“All right, all right. We need to take a break and reorganize everything,” Soonyoung says, sighing as he put down his guitar. “We’re not getting anywhere right now-”

“No, we have to push through.”

Soonyoung turns to Jihoon, expression unreadable. It’s kind of scary, actually, considering that this is the first time in so many years that Jihoon can’t tell what Soonyoung’s thinking. “Yeah, push through? Why? You know it’s not working out, and if you’re so insistent on pushing through with it, we’ll just get more tense.”

“If you’re just going to give up and walk away, we’re not going anywhere either-”

“I’m not fucking walking away! I’m taking a break, that we all really need, but maybe you don’t notice because I’m just some extra to you, huh? Because you only know how to take my efforts for granted?”

“What are you even saying? It’s my fault now? Why are you pushing the blame on me when you’re the one who was distancing yourself?”

“Fuck you, Lee Jihoon. Fuck you and your oblivion, because I’m not taking any of this any more,” Soonyoung says, hissing as he jabs a finger at Jihoon’s chest.

Soonyoung doesn’t even look back when he leaves, and Jihoon feels his heart drop, feels the need to chase after him as loneliness washes over him. It’s over, he’s alone. Everyone’s turning on him, and he’s terrified of the swirling cesspool of change that’s swallowing him whole.

He’s scared that it’s too late, but perhaps it’s time to start making amends.

* * *

 

There’s a knock on the door, but Soonyoung’s too tired to get himself off of the bed to open it. It’s been a week since the fight with Jihoon, and he’s just been skipping every single practice session. Selfish, yes, but he just can’t bring himself to face him. Not now, at least, when it still drains him to think about it.

“Hey, Soonyoung, can we talk?” someone says through the door, and Soonyoung immediately recognizes the voice. Of course, of all people, it had to be Jihoon.

It’s not like he doesn’t want thing to be fixed or anything, but Soonyoung just can’t seem to find the nerves to go and open the door, or even say anything at this point. It’s always going to be this cycle, they fight, they make up, and Jihoon still hurts his feelings in the end. People don’t change, so why should he expect anything to be different this time round?

Jihoon doesn’t enter like he usually does, too unsure about how Soonyoung feel and afraid of pushing his comfort zone too much. So, he stands outside, trying to raise his voice to be heard through the thick oak doors. “I know I fucked up. I know I shouldn’t have taken you for granted, but I swear, you’re the most important person in my life. I’m sorry for pushing you away, and expecting that you’ll still be here after that, because you don’t deserve that.”

He apologizes. Makes promises. But Soonyoung can’t be sure if he’s serious about changing or just wants to smooth things over, he’s tired of blindly believing.

People are starting to watch the commotion from their own dorms, some people slightly opening their doors to be able to hear the dramatic speech, but Jihoon tries to pay them no attention. The end goal is fixing things with Soonyoung.

“I know it’s ridiculous, but I pushed you away because I was afraid of my own feelings for you- I didn’t know if I should tell you, since I was too scared of your reaction, of our dynamics changing, that I selfishly decided to just try and will them away. I know, I know, you don’t owe me anything, and I’m in no position to ask for anything. But, I just want you to forgive me.”

The problem is Soonyoung has always been a fool when it comes to Jihoon, and even if he doesn’t want to believe anything will change, he still has a feeling that things will. They’re both grew up together, still are learning to grow up and mature, and they’ve seen each other through all their worst phases. If Jihoon doesn’t change, it doesn’t mean he can’t learn to at least treat the people around him better. It doesn’t mean that he’ll keep doing the same thing.

Of course, their feelings will always get hurt. That’s what relationships are, a balance of up and downs - he can’t expect them to never fight.

It doesn’t mean that he should give up their friendship.

Soonyoung swings the door open, and Jihoon’s standing right in front of him, haggard face staring right at him. Has he been losing sleep over this?

“I don’t need you to date me,” Jihoon says as he cups his face with his hands, “I just want us to be friends again.”

“How long will you wait for me?”

Jihoon laughs, blinking away tears. “Months, years, decades, centuries. I’ll wait until the world blows up, and even then I’ll wait for you as stardust and ashes.”

Softly, softly, Soonyoung leans down and hugs him, whispers, “Wait for me, please, don’t leave me behind. Wait for me to heal, and I’ll ask you this time round.”

Things feel right in the world with Jihoon in his arms, and somehow, something is telling him that things will change slowly.

* * *

 

“I would like to thank my bandmates for toughing out everything with me. Our win would not have been possible without their patience and tenacity, because this road really hasn’t been easy. Most importantly, to the one I love the most, the one I wrote our song about, I want to say thank you for your selflessness. This is our last year in university, and our last year participating, and even if we’re not sure where we’re really going, we’ll figure it out. For today, in this moment, I’m just glad that we are able to be here, and that I got to share this song with everyone. Thank you for your support, because without our carats, we would not be able to be here.”

**Author's Note:**

> merry christmas! i hope you enjoyed this fic ❤️❤️


End file.
